my hijab-my story

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esselamun aleykum and hello,
in this post i want to tell my story about how i began wearing the hijab. for me it is a really important part of my life and every time i think back to the moment when i decided to wear it i get this kind of feeling again and again. a beautiful feeling. a feeling of feeling strong. strong because of feeling your iman might became bigger.

one year ago i looked like anyone else in my country,town and school except i didn’t go swimming and always wore a skirt or a dress above my trousers (estaghfurullah). also i didn’t show my arms and cleavage. i felt good as i was. of course i knew it wasn’t allowed,helal, to dress this way but i did it and i just rarely thought of changing my style. then after a while i started dressing more modest. i only went out with a long skirt (maxi skirt), and also i didn’t go out without a scarf anymore. my clothes were mainly black and grey but i still didn’t wear the real hijab- my hair was shown, estaghfurullah.

this is the part which makes me understand my sisters who are not ready for cover their aurah. i also believed that a girl can start wearing hijab overnight (in my case it was literally overnight- i am gonna tell you later) but actually in most cases it is really hard. all sisters (hijabis and non-hijabis) know “ we HAVE TO wear the hijab. allah tells in the holy quran. we have to follow allah’s law.“ so why don’t they wear hijab? why didn’t i wear hijab even though i covered my whole body already? because i wasn’t ready. i don’t want to support that it is better to not wear hijab. but if no one forces you to do it (i guess this was a bad phrase for all islamhaters…) you can only do it when you are ready and your iman is big enough.

now continuing my story..

so i dressed this way for about two months and suddenly i became really ill. i got fever and my face and ears were swollen and red. because of being a little drama queen i was really scared of dying i admit.. i didn’t go to the doctor because i was afraid and i got iller day for day. one night i was sleeping and suddenly, i still don’t know why i woke up at 2am. and now there is the part which makes me want to cry every time i think of it, because i feel like i was so near to allah. i woke up, looked at the time and after being awake for 30 seconds i told me „tomorrow i will start wearing the hijab insallah“ .
i cannot explain how this thought crossed my mind. the day before i wasn’t thinking of wearing hijab, i haven’t heard anything about it and i didn’t talk with anyone about hijab. so why did i wake up in the middle of the night, while being iller than ill and thought „i am going to wear hijab“ ?

after this thought i couldn’t sleep anymore. i wanted to wake my mother and tell her that i was going to cover my hair also. even though i felt sick and weak i was so happy, happy as a hippo to be exact. i looked for hijab styles in the same night, read some hijabis‘ blogs and i couldn’t think of anything else. on the next day i told my parents i’d sleep at my grandmothers house. i told them because i miss her and of course i love her but in this case it was because i wanted to go outside with my new identity- my whole covered identity. i still was ill and in pain but i remember the first moment i went out with hijab. it was winter so i wore a black skirt, a black coat and a black shawl. i didn’t know how to tie a shawl properly so i looked like i had what i now call „a bad hijab day“.

i remember another woman at the bus station who also wore the hijab and i smiled at her like a silly because i had this „this is my sister“- feeling.
so i went to my grandmother’s house and stayed there over night.

but the story isn’t finished yet.

on the next day i had the most horrible, painful pain i’ve ever had. i couldn’t open my mouth anymore, so i couldn’t eat anymore. neither i couldn’t laugh, speak or cry. but i cried.. a lot. but i still didn’t want to go to the hospital. but after calling my mother i had to go to hospital. she told me not to cover my hair because my ears were swollen and did also hurt. i cried even more because i absolutely wanted to wear my hijab. but at the end i didn’t wear it. my mother picked me up from my grandmother’s house and we went to hospital. after not looking in a mirror for 5 hours at hospital i wanted to know how red my head really was. i was shocked. in this 5 hours i became a swollen tomato. eventually i had to stay in the hospital for 3 days getting filled up with antibiotics the whole time.

finally, i could leave the hospital. i let my parents bring me a headscarf. i remember the moment when i went to the hospital’s bathroom for tying my hijab. and since this moment i wear my hijab everyday and i’ve never regret it. ELHAMDULILLAH

as you can see in my last ootd-picture and as you will see in the following ones i don’t wear only black anymore but i try to not wear that colourful clothes (like red,pink, orange etc.) actually my whole hijabstyle changed since i started wearing it, but that is another story.

to my sisters who don’t wear the hijab. you know what’s wrong and what’s right probably. and allah knows best how big your iman is but i wanna tell you one sentence which made me get goose pimples every time i’ve heard it.

„always remember; every day every time every second you are are outside wearing no hijab you get sins.“

and also to the hijabis: sisters, always think of with which clothes you leave the house. clothes are something which accompany you the whole day. if you decide to wear a skinny jeans, what is haram as you might know, you do not get the sins for this decision. you get the sins for the whole day until no one sees you anymore.

your clothes are something which change probably day for day, but you never go out without them. (especially if you are muslima)

peace be with you,

beyazgul ❀

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